Lu Yan watched Jiang Ci's bewildered, incredulous gaze, listening to her bizarre theory about him being some deity sent from the heavens to save her. He fell into silence...
She didn't seem to understand what this emotion was, nor did she realize whether the relationship between them was too ambiguous. Thus, she couldn't comprehend why there would be unconditional kindness in this world.
Coincidentally, he firmly believed in the saying that there was no such thing as unconditional kindness; all relationships were built on utility. He, too, simply wanted to establish an intimate relationship with her.
By spending time with her, he obtained emotional value, and the bargaining chip he traded was helping her time and time again?
That had to be it. Lu Yan convinced himself of this in his heart, but he had no idea how to explain to Jiang Ci why he wanted to build such an intimacy.
Or perhaps, he hadn't even figured it out himself. He didn't know how to answer her questions. He couldn't respond to either the first or the second.
Yet, Jiang Ci's current state made it clear that if he didn't give her a proper explanation, they wouldn't be able to move forward today. He had no choice but to play along with her line of thinking.
But Lu Yan had forgotten one thing: he was completely clueless in this department, and Jiang Ci was an absolute wildcard. Thus, after the words “Because I like you” slipped out, what greeted him was a whole new round of questioning.
“Why do you like me?”
Lu Yan remained silent. He couldn't understand how they had gone from discussing how to treat her heart, the side effects, and whether she was willing to accept the treatment plan...
...to this bizarre, awkward confession scene.
This was completely different from what he had envisioned. If her heart hadn't failed, he would have slowly gotten closer, integrated into her life, and become a normal, dependable presence in her world.
Then, on some quiet afternoon, he would buy a room full of fresh flowers. Holding a bouquet, he would stand before her, nervous and full of anticipation, and ask:
“Would you like to be my girlfriend?”
Maybe Jiang Ci would refuse, or maybe she would accept as naturally as breathing. Or perhaps she would look at him in confusion and ask what a “girlfriend” was, blushing furiously after his explanation before saying she would think about it.
He never expected things to be so rushed and sudden. He had somehow bared his deeply buried feelings just like that.
What made it worse was that her reaction was exactly as he should have expected. She didn't accept or reject him; instead, she asked him why he liked her.
Where on earth was he supposed to find an answer to that? He didn't even know what he liked about Jiang Ci. Why on earth did he fall for such an eccentric girl with such a bizarre train of thought?
Her face? Her figure? Saying that felt too shallow. Her soul? Her personality? Even he felt like he was being pretentious if he said that. It felt like picking any single aspect was wrong and incomplete...
Sigmund Freud, in his psychology of love, had proposed a concept: the “Madonna-Whore Complex.”
It meant that one could not direct two different desires toward the same subject at the same time.
One desire was a clean, sacred, inviolable Platonic affection, while the other was a strong sexual impulse filled with the desire to possess, defile, or even destroy.
Lu Yan used to think this concept was incredibly profound and correct. He had firmly believed in it.
Until he met Jiang Ci. If he had to put it into words, it could only be her. If it were anyone else, even slightly different, he might not have fallen in love. It was only Jiang Ci. He liked this “Jiang Ci.”
He couldn't claim in good conscience that he was entirely in love with her soul or her personality. Yet, if she were merely a beautiful, exquisite shell, he would never have fallen this deep.
He could neither explain the nobility of his affection nor accept the vulgarity of his impulses. He could only bury it deep in his heart, waiting for the day he figured it out to let it see the light of day.
Yet, this dense girl had stubbornly dug up this half-baked, hidden love ahead of schedule with a shovel.
Lu Yan was undoubtedly breaking down right now. He was overwhelmed by Jiang Ci's relentless questioning, and equally overwhelmed by his own confusion over what he truly wanted. His silence was now his hard protective shell, wrapping him tightly to provide a fleeting sense of security.
But Jiang Ci could not accept such a prolonged silence. In her eyes, this silence meant a denial of his previous statement.
Namely, the words “Because I like you.”
Her mind was now entirely consumed by one thought: How do I pay him back? How do I pay him back? What on earth should she do? How could she possibly clear these mounting life-saving debts?
Did he really like her? What did “like” mean? She was decent-looking, but she had never considered finding a cultivation companion. If he really liked her, then perhaps... she had found a new way to repay her debt?
Jiang Ci looked into Lu Yan's eyes as if making an agonizing decision. She asked once more, “Do you really like me?”
Lu Yan was relieved that she had finally asked a straightforward question that he could answer without hesitation. He nodded firmly. “I do.”
“I see...” Jiang Ci's eyes drooped. She bit her lip, deciding to sell herself—to sell her own soul.
She casually undid the frog closures on her collar, which Lu Yan had always found incredibly complicated. Her outer robe slipped off, revealing her slender, graceful figure beneath her thin inner robe.
Her breathing quickened. Out of nervousness and shame, a flush of crimson spread across her exposed skin, tinting it a delicate pink.
Under Lu Yan's shocked gaze, Jiang Ci slowly leaned in, closer and closer, until she was whispering right beside his ear.
“I can never pay you back... What if I offer myself to you as collateral, okay?”
Rate on N.U.
